Bearing Scars but Growing Stronger.

A dear friend of mine had come across the country to Harrisburg for work.  We hadn’t seen each other for more than two years and I was really anxious to see her.  Our last time together had been when her husband was very ill; he’d had terminal cancer. And I wanted to see her, to see that she was as okay as could be in this circumstance.  We’d talked many times over the course of the two years, and I had tried to be as supportive as I could from so far away, but the truth is, aside from being present, caring, and empathetic; there just isn’t much you can do to ease someone’s grief.   It is so raw, so real and certainly this lovely couple didn’t deserve this, my friend didn’t deserve this.

It was so good to see her; we had dinner and talked for hours.  Processing life experiences we both have had, sharing tears and laughter.   In part of our discussions, she said “You know I didn’t choose this journey, but at some point I had to decide that since I am on this journey, I am going to be an inquisitive tourist – I am going to learn what I can, I am going to make some value come out of it.” She shared some of what she learned about herself, her husband, life, and how her perspectives have changed.  I haven’t stopped thinking about that since we talked.  She is a brilliant, insightful woman.  And this change in perspective didn’t change the pain – the suffering, or the loss.  But it allowed her, during this horrendous experience, to allow herself to change, to see things differently.  She is still herself and yet totally different.  I know that sounds like a contradiction, but the depth of her life has changed.  She is still sad, and still, of course, bears the present marks of grief, but in some ways she is even more comfortable in her own skin – she owns the experience, not running from it, but enduring and going through it.

Kahlil Gibran said "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Life is full of experiences good and bad, difficult and gratifying.  Each experience provides an opportunity to change our trajectory, our perspectives, to help us become more authentic and open us up to more.  There is so much to learn, so much to experience, both good and bad.  And we, or at least I, can try and pull away from the painful experiences as if I can “work” my way through them instead of experiencing them, instead of experiencing life.  Not only are we trying to avoid the unavoidable, but we waste energy fighting the wrong stuff.  We can become judgmental of others, not understanding that they are on an equally valid journey, full of difficulties and joys.  We might see our own experiences as the only right path. But life is an unpredictable journey, full of opportunities to see differently, to grow, to become more of ourselves, deeper, richer, more authentic. 

I think about her words frequently, trying to be an inquisitive tourist on my own journey, enjoying the cultures and experiences around me, learning to endure and go through difficulties instead of avoiding them, and appreciating those precious people who have helped me grow and learn more about myself through the process.  And just as important, to me at least, is joining others on their journey, supporting them when appropriate, and walking beside them when they just need someone to be present, valuing and respecting their journey, their life, their goals.  Change and pain are unavoidable but we can be changed for the better if we allow it and see it all as part of the glorious journey we are on.  Bearing scars but growing stronger.