Friday, July 17, 2015

Bearing Scars but Growing Stronger.


A dear friend of mine had come across the country to Harrisburg for work.  We hadn’t seen each other for more than two years and I was really anxious to see her.  Our last time together had been when her husband was very ill; he’d had terminal cancer. And I wanted to see her, to see that she was as okay as could be in this circumstance.  We’d talked many times over the course of the two years, and I had tried to be as supportive as I could from so far away, but the truth is, aside from being present, caring, and empathetic; there just isn’t much you can do to ease someone’s grief.   It is so raw, so real and certainly this lovely couple didn’t deserve this, my friend didn’t deserve this.

It was so good to see her; we had dinner and talked for hours.  Processing life experiences we both have had, sharing tears and laughter.   In part of our discussions, she said “You know I didn’t choose this journey, but at some point I had to decide that since I am on this journey, I am going to be an inquisitive tourist – I am going to learn what I can, I am going to make some value come out of it.” She shared some of what she learned about herself, her husband, life, and how her perspectives have changed.  I haven’t stopped thinking about that since we talked.  She is a brilliant, insightful woman.  And this change in perspective didn’t change the pain – the suffering, or the loss.  But it allowed her, during this horrendous experience, to allow herself to change, to see things differently.  She is still herself and yet totally different.  I know that sounds like a contradiction, but the depth of her life has changed.  She is still sad, and still, of course, bears the present marks of grief, but in some ways she is even more comfortable in her own skin – she owns the experience, not running from it, but enduring and going through it.

Kahlil Gibran said "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Life is full of experiences good and bad, difficult and gratifying.  Each experience provides an opportunity to change our trajectory, our perspectives, to help us become more authentic and open us up to more.  There is so much to learn, so much to experience, both good and bad.  And we, or at least I, can try and pull away from the painful experiences as if I can “work” my way through them instead of experiencing them, instead of experiencing life.  Not only are we trying to avoid the unavoidable, but we waste energy fighting the wrong stuff.  We can become judgmental of others, not understanding that they are on an equally valid journey, full of difficulties and joys.  We might see our own experiences as the only right path. But life is an unpredictable journey, full of opportunities to see differently, to grow, to become more of ourselves, deeper, richer, more authentic. 

I think about her words frequently, trying to be an inquisitive tourist on my own journey, enjoying the cultures and experiences around me, learning to endure and go through difficulties instead of avoiding them, and appreciating those precious people who have helped me grow and learn more about myself through the process.  And just as important, to me at least, is joining others on their journey, supporting them when appropriate, and walking beside them when they just need someone to be present, valuing and respecting their journey, their life, their goals.  Change and pain are unavoidable but we can be changed for the better if we allow it and see it all as part of the glorious journey we are on.  Bearing scars but growing stronger.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Knowing Versus Feeling - Such a Profound Difference!


We had a national speaker, Jodi Pfarr, come do training for our staff on Living in a Diverse World.  I had heard some of it at a conference but the whole training was incredibly impactful. 

We took some time to really look at dominant cultures, where we each fit, and how we tend to normalize that context.  But the way she did it was so concrete and tangible.  We had a diagram of 12 pairs of triangles (one of each pairs was right side up and blue while the other was upside down and red).  We identified 12 situations where policy or systems were geared toward the dominant culture (like being right handed versus left handed, middle class versus poverty, etc…).  When we were done identifying the 12 situations, we each circled, on our own papers, where we were part of the dominant culture and where we were not.  It helped us have a context for our discussions for the rest of the day. 

It was a great day and a number of staff told me it was the best training they ever attended.  They want to put red and blue triangles on their computers to remind them that others may see things from a different perspective and that it is a valid perspective. 

I was talking to Jodi afterwards and she said something that was so profound to me.  She said when you are part of the dominant culture you get it academically, you can know it – but when you are part of the non-dominant culture you feel it because you are experiencing it.  This is not new information and really it’s pretty obvious – experience speaks louder in our heads and hearts than knowledge, but hearing it in this context, around cultural norms, really made me think.   

Someone I care deeply about was dealing with mental health issues.  They were feeling particularly vulnerable and couldn’t reach a family member so they called crisis – exactly as they were supposed to do.  Four state police cars showed up at their house and took them in handcuffs to the hospital even though they were not at all violent and were going completely voluntarily – it is standard protocol.  I met them there and we were taken to an empty room – just a mattress on the floor.  I sat, in my dress, on the floor beside them – not wanting them to feel like everyone who was interacting with them was looking down on them.  I serve on a health systems board so I know those processes exist to keep staff and the individual safe.  But I cannot put into words what experiencing it felt like.  And as much as I felt it, I can’t even imagine how difficult it was for the individual I was with.  Voiceless.  Vulnerable.  Feeling the full weight of the experience.    

We can know about the complexities, the difficulties that come from feeling like you have little or no voice, but that is far different than feeling voiceless.  Obvious, I know – but so many truths are that way, simple and overlooked.  As Marcel Proust said “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”.